Indian Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria... "

If Bollywood Filmstars Work For Call Centers.....

Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care hain...
Customer: (angrily) I need your manager..

Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.

Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg..

Customer: I need help

Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa.......

Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..

Customer: What!!! I need your manager

Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna

Shatru: Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...

Customer: How dare you speak like that

Shatru: Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!!!

Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya

Customer: I lost my invoice

Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye....

Customer: hi

Kestu Mukherji: iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai

Customer: I have not received my product

Kestu Mukherji: To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha...

Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera... pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.

Customer: Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Shakti: AAAuuuuuu...mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu

Customer: I need your manager

Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep hooon..

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo

Customer : I am not devi

Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your name please

Customer: Mona

Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya

Customer: (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER

Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager de denge to hamein manage kaun karega....

Gabbar: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen kya chahiye

Customer: I want to buy a product from your company

Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re

Customer: $ 10.00

Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai

Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra...

Customer : I lost my invoice I need one

Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle

Rajkumar: Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna Customer: I lost my invoice

Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi

Customer: shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes... otherwise I will speak to your manager

Rajkumar: Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai manager... manager se hum nahi...

And at last ..................

Sarukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Customer hung up the phone....

Me And My Boss

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow.

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.

When my boss does not do it, he is busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative.

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing.

When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.

When I make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers.

When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Just Three Things In Life....Remember!

Three Things In Life That, Once Gone, Never Come Back..

Time

Words

Opportunity

Three Things In Life That May Never Be Lost..

Peace

Hope

Honesty

Three Things In Life That Are Most Valuable ..

Love

Self-confidence

Friends

Three Things In Life That Are Never Certain ..

Dreams

Success

Fortune

Three Things That Make A Man/Woman ..

Hard work

Sincerity

Commitment

Three Things In Life That Can Destroy A Man/Woman..

Alcohol

Pride

Anger

Poor Men

# 1 # When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
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# 2 #
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
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# 3 #
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die".
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
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# 4 #
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life". Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom...

Power Of Thoughts

Your words, your dreams and your thoughts have the Power to create conditions in your life.

What you speak about, you can bring about. If you keep saying you can't stand your job,You might lose your job. If you keep saying you can't stand your body, Your body can become sick. If you keep saying you can't stand your car, Your car could be stolen or just stop operating. If you keep saying you're always broke, guess what? You'll always be broke. If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, You will always find someone in your life to hurt and betray you. If you keep saying you can't find a job, You will remain unemployed. If you keep saying you can't find someone To love you or believe in you, Our very thoughts will attract more Experiences to confirm your beliefs.

Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive And power packed with faith, hope, love and action. Don't be afraid to believe that you can Have what you want and deserve.

Watch your "Thoughts", They become words; Watch your "Words", They become actions; Watch your "Actions", They become habits; Watch your "Habits", They become character; Watch your "Character", For it becomes your "Destiny". Enjoy every minute you live!!

MUNNA BHAI JOKES

PROFESSOR :Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jante ho?

MUNNA BHAI :Gandhi bahut zabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam, par apun ko yeh nehin maloom ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.

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CIRCUIT :Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.

MUNNA BHAI :Aye Circuit, woh Sabrina ka baap aya hai tere ko dund rehla hai.

CIRCUIT :Bhai usko bolo apun gaoon gayea hai, kheti karne ko.

MUNNA BHAI :Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.

CIRCUIT :Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.

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MAMU :Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?

GIRL :Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol pada?

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CIRCUIT :Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla hai aaj raat ko dinner pe. Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.

MUNNA BHAI :Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?

CIRCUIT :Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.

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MAMU :Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Sindhi sikhna padega. Kuch hal batao.

MUNNA BHAI :Kannada kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?

MAMU :Meinay ek Sindhi baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.

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PROFESSOR :Akal badi ki bhais?

MUNNA BHAI :Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.

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MUNNA BHAI :Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?

CIRCUIT :Bhai, gaadi hai.

MUNNA BHAI :Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?

CIRCUIT :Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

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Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his tiffin and serves himself a roti.

ENGLISHMAN :What is this?

CIRCUIT :Bread India. Circuit then open the box of jalebi.

ENGLISHMAN :What is this?

CIRCUIT :Sweet India. With all the food he hogged on, Munna farts. The Englishman is offended and in shock asks ...

ENGLISHMAN :What is that?

CIRCUIT :Air India

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CIRCUIT :Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?

MAMU :Nehin.

CIRCUIT :To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.

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MUNNA BHAI :Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.

MAMU :Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?

MUNNA BHAI :Yaad nahin hai yaar. Bahut purani baat hai.

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MUNNA BHAI :Mamu, tu kitna padha hai?

MAMU :B.A.

MUNNA BHAI :Sala, two lafz padha aur woh bhi ulta?

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MAMU :Oye, maar gayea yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hain.

MAMU KA DOST :Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.

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CIRCUIT :Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?

SHORT CIRCUIT :Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.

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PRINCIPAL :Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI :Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu.

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SARDAR in ARABIA

A sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they areall sentenced 20 lashes each of thewhip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping".

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. Fort his, you may have two wishes!". "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied". In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes". "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are alsovery brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it". And what is your second wish ?", the Sheik asked. Sardar smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back"!!!

KHABARDAR KISINE SARDAR KA MAZAAK UDAAYA TO

Let me tell you about my doctor.

He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible". The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film". The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem". The doctor asked, "When did it start?". The man replied, "When did what start ?".

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: Don't answer it.

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell". The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these if they don't work, give me a ring".

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later".

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment and he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner".

Begging

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?". "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive". "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!". "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife". The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting".

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex".

Sardarji's Mom's Letter

Dear BantaVahe Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Prescription For Love

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”. The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”. The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture again and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Intelligence Of Sardar

1. Lecturer: Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi. Sardar: Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I don ' t know who is Jayanthi.

2. Sardar: You cheated me. Shopkeeper: How? Sardar: You said this is American made radio. But when I put it ON, it says All India Radio.

3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10.00 and took the ticket and said April fool.. I have a pass.

4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening. Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright..

5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring. Sardar: Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

6. Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die? Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

7. Two sardars were fixing a bomb in a car. Sardar1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. Sardar2: Dont worry, I have one more.

8. Interviewer : When is your birthday. Sardar: On 13th Oct. Interviewer: Which year? Sardar: Oye Ullu ke patte - Every year.

9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto. Sardar: Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

10. Sardar: What is the name of your car? Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with "T". Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaari gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

11. Boss: Where were you born? Sardar: Punjab. Boss: Which part? Sardar: Kya which part? Whole body born in punjab.

12. American told sardar: Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai. Sardar: Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.

13. How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars? Simple. Just knock at the door and they will open it.

What Woman Wants In A Man

What I Want in a Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2 Doesn't miss the toilet

Filmi Love Letter

When I am: KareebThere is only: Khamoshi
I want to speak: Dil Se
That's my kind of: Ishq
I want this to be: Gupt
As I always have Darr That I will loose you: Sajani
And that would be great: Sadma
I am your: Mr.Aashique
But sometimes bit: Deewana
Tell me: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun
As I feel : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
In this : Duniya Dilwalon Ki
I told you: Maine Pyar Kiya
May be : Dil To Pagal Hai
Because: Jab Pyar Kisise Hota Hai
The whole world appears as: Dushman
But anyway: Pyar To Hona Hi Tha

Let's Face It - English Is A Crazy Language.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce. If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in. In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down. In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down. I which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on. English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?..and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?